He texts me. He texts me not.

(Originally published 2/23/2006)

I recently became acquainted with someone whose main form of communication is the text message. Everyone knows the formalities behind writing a letter, talking on the phone, and even sending an email. H*ll, I even know the manors involved in sending a fax. But what sort of etiquette, if any, applies to text messaging? I couldn’t think of any. As far as being a form of communication, it is the most vague and potentially complicated method to reach out and touch someone, or text someone, as it would be.

Those fond of texting must first feel one another out. Unclear as to if their new acquaintance prefers to type into their cell phone rather than speaking into it, they must send the initial primary contact text, the "What’s up?" If one responds with a "Nothing. U?" then the texting relationship is immediately set in place. However, this is an unfair to the recipient, whereas it will pop up on their phone not identifying the caller, or texter as is the case. It simply has a phone number, which these days, thanks to caller ID, means nothing to anyone. One of my best friends Rebecca’s phone number could be 123-456-7890 for all I know. I just see Rebecca on the caller ID and take the call. So the recipient is somewhat trapped, unclear as to respond or not. What if it’s that really nice guy you met the other night? What if it’s that weird girl from work? What if it’s the free clinic with your Syphilis results? For the sake of my having something to continue rambling about, let’s just say the recipient texts back. And the cycle begins. I have reason to believe that this person I recently became friends with is completely comfortable with maintaining a relationship through this particular service offered by his cell phone provider. I think we’ve spoken on the phone maybe twice in a month.

Before I begin assaulting the act of text messaging, I will allow for some text messaging promotion. You can text your friends while in a class or at a boring seminar. "I wish I was dead." You can text your friends while on a bad date when your date slips off to the bathroom. "I wish I was dead." You can text your friends while waiting in line at the post office. "I wish I was dead." It’s a nice way to communicate without being that annoying *sshole screaming into their cell phone in the middle of Walgreen’s. It’s also an efficient way to keep track of your friends in a crowded bar. "I’ll be there in 10 minutes." "Where are you?" "I’m in line for the bathroom." Or, the ever popular, "I’ve already left and am about to have crazy monkey sex with a stranger." For each of its useful walky talky-like qualities (which I do enjoy), there are a dozen or so negative things about texting, one of which obviously is the physical stress it puts on one’s eyes and thumbs.

But because there are no set measures in regards to what types of behaviors are appropriate when texting, there is no way of telling if someone is being rude to you or not, which leads the door wide open for many emotional quandaries.

For example, perhaps you leave someone a voice message asking them if they’d like to go play darts, grab dinner, go to the bowling alley and steal shoes, etc… Five minutes later, your phone does not ring, yet it alerts you that you’ve received a text message. "Can’t tonight. Have plans. Thanks though." This may mean that the person you were trying to reach was incapacitated at the time of your call and only had time for a quick text message response. Perhaps he or she was cleaning the toilet or downloading pornography then suddenly rushed out the door because a grease fire broke out in their kitchen or office. It’s hard to imagine a circumstance that could prevent someone from neither taking your call nor calling you back, yet they somehow had time to check their voice mail, hear your invitation, then text you their regards.

Another beef I have with text messaging is the assumption that it’s a mini-email or some other means to express yourself through written electronic word. It is not. The display window on a cell phone was not designed for the purposes of reading "War and Peace." It is merely to alert you of who is on the other end of the line, not for you to settle down with a nice cup of tea and to read by a warm fire. My new friend recently confided in me some personal information, all through the text message inbox on my cell phone. Because his message was so long it was chopped up by US Cellular into about 10 separate text messages. A snipet:

"u r a really nice guy but i dont t"

"hink im ok to dati someone else reght n"

"ow. ij my ex callid me tokay id take he"

"m back. 48 96853 662 2e fair ."

I especially enjoyed the numerical scripting, having to correlate the numbers on my phone with their letters, then trying to figure out which letter the number represented. It felt like that scene in "Goonies" when they’re trying to solve that riddle in order to figure out what keys to play on the organ.

Another one of the many issues that can arise with text messaging is the enormous room for error. You could send someone a text message right now and it may not reach the recipient until after Hillary’s third State of the Union address. And this is a huge plus in the eyes of the shady texter, because they can say when they respond to your text message five days late that they got it "just now." An example: "Please come and help. car broke down. they took the baby." The response: "Just now getting this. Your funeral was lovely." This happens a lot to me with my friends who chronically text. I’ll text them an invitation that merits no response until whatever event I’d invited them to is long over. Either my friends are consistently blowing me off or they need new cellular providers.

There are no rules to text messaging, no etiquette, no standards of consideration and respect. Being from the South where my mother would murder me without regret if she’d ever heard me address my grandfather with anything but "Sir," this irritates the f*ck out of me. There is no history in it that you can refer back to and say, "That was tacky, rude, or tasteless." In addition, the technology is so blurred and unreliable, it is a virtual message in a bottle. Did they receive my text? Have they responded to my text and I never got it? Are they only texting me while the other guy they’re dating got up to let the dog out? Too many doubts, too much confusion.

That, and it’s murder on your thumbs. F*ck it.