Friends and/or family.

(Originally posted 12/20/2005)

I don’t send out Christmas cards. What’s the point? Perhaps I could have a photograph taken of me in my underwear picking lint out of my belly button whereas I don’t have a decorated fireplace or Christmas tree to stand in front of, no boyfriend to pose with, not even a small dog with a stupid name that I can fit into my shaving kit. So the following thoughts are sort of my virtual Christmas card for my friends, my "urban family." This is the term that Bridget Jones used when describing those outside of her bloodline who she loved just as much as dear old mom and dad.

I have been abnormally blessed in my life when it comes to the friendly company I’ve kept. Most of the people in my life I’ve had standing beside me for more than half of my existence. I have never lived anywhere where I didn’t feel support from someone, whether in Memphis, at college, in Florida, or now Chicago. I am confident that if for some odd reason I had to pack up and move to Hoover, Alabama that even there I’d find someone to drink beer with, make fun of Republicans with, or cry like little babies with when they unplug Julia Roberts in "Steel Magnolias."

I consider myself an expert at finding friends and think it’s a shame that society puts so much pressure on people to find someone to marry before they can find someone to window shop and eat cookie dough with. If people put half as much effort into trying to make solid friendships as they do their efforts at finding "the one" the world would be a much better place. I will probably never marry. If I bought into what society projects onto someone with my kind of luck in the dating department then I would be a sad, poorly dressed mess. But because I fully value the other relationships that I have in my life I am not crashing down to the ground having leapt out the window of my apartment on the 18th floor.

I meet people all the time who only seem to have one friend at a time, a reality that baffles me whereas every time something social comes up in my life I have the good fortune of calling on many different people to join me. Whether or not just one or all of them accompany me, I know that I will have a ton of fun. The trick to having and maintaining great friendships is to become friends with someone whose company will breed other friendships. If you meet someone and everyone you meet through them is an a**hole, then odds are that at some point in time they will reveal themselves to be an a**hole of a similar nature.

But having friends as good as mine comes at a price. What is that price? The b*stards have turned out to be as close to my heart as my crazy family is, and we all know how much those family f*ckers can wear you down. And just as families grow, so has my list of close friends. I find myself fighting with some of my friends like I would with my father or my sister, the types of arguments where you’ll say anything that comes to mind with absolutely no filter because you know that no matter what, that person ain’t going anywhere. But that fact is a small sacrifice to be made. The world is a big and scary place and you need as many people in your corner as possible, whether you came from the same gene pool or not.

Here are some other tips I have for making friends. If you want dating advice, watch Dr. Phil. Also, watch how creepy his wife looks when she stares at him so lovingly. I think he has her on medication. Anyway…

1. Don’t confuse friendships with love! This is a rookie mistake. Just because you have tons of things in common with someone and you two know each other inside out DOES NOT mean that you want to jump their bones. My Uncle Ronnie loves me but this does not mean that I have misinterpreted his love for wanting to have sex with me. Now, if I had an Uncle Brad Pitt, that would be a different story. I have made this mistake twice in my life (not sleeping with a relative, that mistake I only made once and I was REALLY drunk, but mistaking a friend for a crush). It comes with serious consequences that potentially may never resolve themselves.

2. If you’re just getting to know someone and while out in public they don’t introduce you to anyone that they know socially do not return any of their phone calls from that point forward. This type of behavior is the opposite of the point I made previously. You can’t fully judge someone if you are unable to judge who else they consider worthy of their friendship. I believe such actions to be those of a highly disturbed individual. Especially if you’re both single. Single people who do not introduce their other single friends to one another are typically jealous and homicidal maniacs afraid of someone "taking over their turf." I call this the "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" complex.

3. As you should do in dating, do not pursue a friendship with anyone who makes you throw up a "red flag." Red Flag behavior can vary from them saying something like "Your exboyfriend is hot. Is he single?" Or "You look really f*cking stupid in that outfit. You can’t wear that if you expect me to be seen with you tonight." This sort of commentary is reserved only for individuals with whom you’ve invested some considerable amount of time, not someone who you met at work and thought that it might be nice to go out and have a friendly Margarita with. Just as in dating, when a Red Flag presents itself (they make you pay after inviting you out to dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town for example) walk away. Walk quickly away.

4. Friends who you would describe as the complete opposite of yourself are the best friends to have. Since they harbor characteristics that you can’t seem to uphold, they help you to become a complete person. For example, a common trait within most of my friends is their level-headedness. I am not level-headed. I have been fired from more jobs than most people have ever been asked whether or not they want paper or plastic. My appeal to them is my carefree, go-with-the-flow attitude. Well, that, my verbal diarrehea, and my ability to make a cocktail seem necessary under any circumstance (a wedding, a promotion, a shoe sale, not getting hit by a bus that day, etc…)

People should put work into finding friends. And when you find a good fit, you should put faith into that friendship and be grateful that you met one more soul that makes life a little warmer. You can never have too many good friends. If you’re lucky, the same people that were around when you turned 21 will be the same ones around when you turn 41, or 51, and so forth. I don’t think I tell my friends enough how much I love and need them, but it’s Christmas so I’m doing it now.

Maybe I should tell my family how much they mean to me while I’m at it. Well, right after The Simpsons. Then I’ll get right on that.