Gay men with vaginas.

(Originally published 12/6/2005)

There is a line in Bridget Jones’ Diary linking the comradarie between single women in their thirties and gay men by the fact that both are frequent disappointments to their families and are generally shunned by society for merely being the person they were born to be. I’ve spent a great deal of time pondering this revelation and comparing the behavior of single women that I know to myself, a flaming homo. The similarities are indeed noteworthy.

Both myself and all of my single girlfriends would have a one-night stand in a New York minute, but would hesitate going to dinner with someone whose shoes didn’t match their belt. We all have lapsed priorities. Why put money away for tomorrow when you can buy this amazing pair of jeans that make your a** look amazing today? At least once a week we all wake up with astonishing hangovers and through a series of phone calls to friends reconstruct what was apparently a great night out. We all want to spit in the eye of every family member who asks us, "Are you seeing anyone?" And we all like to watch E!

However, single women refuse to look to their gay male counterparts as examples when it comes to marketing themselves, specifically in regards to the internet. I don’t know any woman who has ever signed up for an internet dating service and not felt complete shame and horror for having done so. They think it’s dangerous and, more importantly, desperate.

But gay men are all over cyberspace. My friends here in Chicago are all on so many different websites I’ve stopped logging on. The odds are stacked against me that if I meet someone then someone else I know has already banged them, knows that they’re crazy, or is currently stalking them.

Why can’t single women try internet dating services without fear of social judgement? It’s not that the men aren’t there. As most of you know, I’m often bored and do things when I’m left alone that I probably shouldn’t talk about. But, yes, I’ve done internet searches on dating sites as a woman seeking a man. I like to look at the pictures of cute straight boys and read their bios. I don’t reply to them, of course. That would be unhealthy.

But here’s the reality, ladies. You’re not going to meet anyone at work. You’re too much of a gay man, remember? You probably hate your job and spent most of your day reading celebrity gossip online. You’re not going to meet them out. You’re too sophisticated to stand around like a chump in the straight bars with all the men oggling over the twenty-one year old girls who make out with one another for attention and free drinks. You’re certainly not going to meet them at church. You’re always too hungover from partying with your gay friends on Saturday night to get out of bed before 2PM.

So get over it! You know you’re curious. Log on. Look around. There’s all kinds of cute boys online looking for girls just like you! Big deal if there’s no way you could ever explain how you met your boyfriend to your grandparents. Who cares? I have gay friends who met their partners in a bath house. You think that’s easy explaining to Grandma?